


Space enough to grow

by clearbluesky1515



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 18:46:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15007067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearbluesky1515/pseuds/clearbluesky1515
Summary: It took her a long time to get to this place with Adena. To open up. To be vulnerable.OrThe missing convo between Kat and Adena in 2x02





	Space enough to grow

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first ever Kadena fic, I hadn’t planned on writing this but Kat’s storyline in 2x02 really resonated with me and my experiences as a black woc. And I couldn’t get the idea out of my head, so here we go. Feel free to leave kudos and comments and you’re more than welcome to follow my tumblr @clearbluesky1515 for more Kadena content. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It took her a long time to get to this place with Adena. To open up. To be vulnerable. Because so much of her life has been spent masquerading, putting on a show. A skill she’s adopted growing up with psychiatrists for parents. It was never enough to just _feel_. Everything had to be constantly analyzed, picked apart until there was nothing left. And Kat finds it easy to be fun and carefree. She’s bubbly and she’s funny and it’s rare that anyone looks beyond that. Of course Sutton and Jane, the two people who know her best in the world; who never fail to show up even when Kat tries to down play everything. Even when talking about it seems impossible.

It took her a long time to get comfortable with Adena. Because yeah, her girlfriends kind and sincere and all together amazing but she also has this way....this thing about her that makes Kat feel completely transparent. She’s felt it, deep in her bones ever since their first night together.

_You use humor to hide your true emotions_

And of course she had been right. Because Adena has this way of looking right through her, of calling her on her bs. Of _seeing_ her. And it scares her. Shakes Kat to her very soul. Because it’s messy and it’s complicated and Kat just feels too fucking much.

But somehow between bedsheets and passport stamps and adena gently, lovingly tying her hair back for her when she’d gotten far too drunk. She’d opened herself up.

And suddenly she’s wrapped up in her girlfriends arms, tears steadily pouring out of her. She thinks about 9th grade Algebra how Andre Welby had said she’s “not really black”. She thinks about late nights, hours spent wrapped up in deep conditioning routines. She thinks about standardized tests and boxes and she burrows herself deeper into Adena’s neck, tears spilling out of her faster than she can hold them back.

Because she’s feels completely off balance, off center and she doesn’t know how to talk to Jane and Sutton about it. Doesn’t quite know how to put to words everything that she’s feeling.

Adena rubs the smallest of circles against her back. Kisses her hairline as Kat begins to compose herself.

“What are you thinking about?” Adena whispers.

And Kat looks at her, really looks at her. This woman that she cares so deeply for, that knows what it’s like. This woman that bares more bravery inside of her than anyone Kat’s ever met.

“Just something Alex said...I’m not-I’m not like ashamed or anything, of being black. I know it’s who I am. But I just don’t feel the same way you do, you’re this proud Muslim lesbian. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always been unapologetic in who you are, it’s one of the things I love most about you.”

Kat pauses and Adena looks at her encouragingly, eyes full of patience.

“And I thought we had that in common, you and me. I’ve always seen myself that way. Alex said that I’m fearless, that I never back down from anything...but he also said that I have this wall up when it comes to my blackness. And when he said that I couldn’t even deny it.”

Kat shakes her head, tears continuing to burn at her eyes.

“I couldn’t deny it...and I’ve always said that it doesn’t matter. I’ve always believed that my race doesn’t define who I am, that it’s what’s on the inside that matters. But now I’m starting to think it’s more than that...”

Kat cuts herself off because she doesn’t know how to explain to Adena what it was like for her being one of a handful other black students in her graduating class in her ultra preppy private high school. The subtle glances she’d get from people when she and her mom would walk down the street together, arms linked. How her stomach had tightened when her news feed flashed with tweets about Freddie Gray and Eric Garner and Alton Sterling.

But Adena seems to understand anyway, the things she can’t bring herself to say. Because she grabs Kat’s hands lacing their fingers together before speaking in the softest tone imaginable.

“It couldn’t have been easy, growing up in the environment that you did. With so few people that looked like you. I’ve never been to Connecticut, but I can imagine that it wasn’t exactly overflowing with people of color...”

Kat smiles at that, that dopey little half grin reserved especially for Adena.

“When you’re raised in an environment where you’re not largely represented it can be isolating. And it can be especially easy to internalize the ideas of the people around you. To view yourself through their eyes. I know I have. Through my travels, through my art I’ve learned so much about myself, who I am and what works for me. And I’m still learning.”

Kat looks at her intently, processing.

“For as long as I can remember I’ve spoken my mind. But just because I was outspoken doesn’t mean that I wasn’t afraid, that there weren’t times when I stayed silent. It took me a long time to get comfortable with myself, to reconcile my religion and sexuality especially; I wasn’t always a proud Muslim lesbian.”

Adena flashes her a teasing smile, releases their joined hands to push the hair back from Kat’s eyes, encouraging her to look up from where her eyes have trained themselves on their comforter.

“I’m not perfect, no one is. And you’re not to blame for choosing to keep those glasses on. Race and racism are difficult things to look at. It’s hard to accept the impact that these things play in your life. I told you that every place I travel teaches me something new about myself. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s not about the way that you’ve lived, it’s the way you choose to live going forward. It’s okay, _asal_.”

And Kat kisses her deep and sweet and full of passion. Cradles her face with both hands and nuzzles their noses together as she pulls back, her eyes sliding to the clock just out of her line of sight.

“I really have to get to work.”

She wipes hastily at her eyes as she walks into the bathroom to wash her face and reapply her make up. She pops two Tylenol at the sink to ward off the oncoming headache that she always gets when she cries. Regards herself in the mirror as she takes several calming breaths.

Because she knows today is going to be a long day and she still has a bio to turn in. And in this moment, for the first time since Jaqueline mentioned it, she isn’t filled with dread. Her heart doesn’t race in anxiety.

Because Kat knows exactly what she’s going to write.


End file.
